As I breastfed you to sleep for your nap on Christmas Day I had the sudden urge to try to take a photo of you nursing since I hadn’t taken a photo since you had turned two. You were already asleep so I laid you down next to me, and reminded myself that I would have plenty of opportunities to photograph you in the days and weeks to come.
I was wrong.
From the 27th you stopped asking for milk. That night I laid next to you while your daddy held you and stroked your head as you fell asleep. I was shocked that I could be right there and yet you didn’t ask. I expected everything to return to normal the next day. But it didn’t.
It has been nearly a month now and you still haven’t had any milk. You have asked once – after seeing you baby cousin feeding – but your daddy was able to take you to bed and put you to sleep without a fuss.
I was completely unprepared.
You loved your ‘milk’. You seemed competely uninterested in decreasing your 3 feeds a day. And yet, here you were, weaning.
It was, and still is, so bittersweet.
It is nice to have my body back to myself. And it is nice to see you becoming even closer with your father. It is nice not to feel so needed but at the same time I miss it.
Most of all, I wish I had taken that photo. I wish I had taken more of that last feed in, that I had cuddled you tighter in that embrace that was so special to just you and I. I wish I had known that feed was going to be one of the last we shared little boy.
Thank you for this journey Blake; for the last 2 years and 2 months of breastfeeding. The hardest, most self-sacrificing, sweet, life-affirming and unique experience of my life.
I really am so grateful.